Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Life is so much better after having sex.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
