I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
