never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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