Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
