We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
