Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
