I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
