i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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