I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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