you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
