dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
