why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
