Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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