I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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