two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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