The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
