I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
