3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
