i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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