her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
