She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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