Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
