I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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