If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize