if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
