I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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