Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
