I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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