Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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