i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
