Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
