someone threw a dead crab at me
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
