I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
