i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
