Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
