if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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