My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
