Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
