Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think pants incapable of making pants work
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
