my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
