woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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