Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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