I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Randomize