i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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