So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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