maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
