Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
