quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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