For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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