i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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