Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize