next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize