best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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