I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
