Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
