I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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