It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
