I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
