Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Randomize
