How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Don't tell me you're on acid again
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
