Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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