After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
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