I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
