Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
