Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
