Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
