I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
