i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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