This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
