Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
