omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
