i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
