Who wears a wallet chain?!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
