so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize