My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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