Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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